Dairy Ooze – brought to you by…

I’ve been playing Kingdom of Loathing for a couple weeks and this AM they’ve introduced a number of ad/banner type jokes. The game itself is fully of gags, but this one is good.

Dairy Ooze

The Republican party elephant, the “college degree online” and the such are all great jokes that I can enjoy guilt free because I donated last week. Oh, there’s also a “this round of combat brought to you by Greenpeace” banner.

Bike Shop Exchange

This morning I stopped by a bike shop to pick up a new tube. Mine was busted. The owner was on his way to coffee as I stopped in. He asked what I wanted. I replied “a tube – mountain.”

He asked “Presta or Schrader?”

“preferably schrader” though I was wrong. My tubes are drilled for presta…

“ok, that’ll be $4.50”

“ugh – I only have a debit”

“sign…. I’m not running a card for this – just take it and bring the $4.50 when you have it”

“uh – ok.”

“at this bike shop we believe in karma. The thieves will get hit by a car eventually..’

“well, its more likely that they’ll hit a biker while fleaing, but….. never…(fades out in misunderstanding while getting in the car to go to the nearest ATM to leave $5 in his mail slot)…..”


5 things I hate about magazines

I love magazines. Pictures, articles and more. But there are 5 (or more) things I can’t stand about them:

  1. Subscription cards – clearly I’ve already subscribed. And they force you to flip to some unimportant page. I tear them out first thing.
  2. Advertisements that contradict the ethos of the magazine. My sister gets Jane, and its full of them. But even National Geographic has plenty.
  3. Advertisements. I know you need to get paid, but how much? I’m already paying for a subscription…
  4. Paper – they’re such a big user of paper and petrol-based inks.
  5. The subscription department – do they ever get things right the first time?

I guess these are just all artifacts of the for-profit model. Is that why Adbusters is so much more enjoyable?

I hate Fox

I hate Fox Broadcasting. Not because of their editorialized news, which is actually en vogue to hate, but because they treat the few gems of sitcom like trash. Since the first season of the Simpsons, Fox is the only channel I’ve spent any measurable time watching. Much of my childhood, I wasn’t allowed to watch television. Something about a mother who owned a book store…

Anyway, I routinely watched the Simpsons for years, and since it was the only show I was allowed watch, I was frequently disappointed when it was displaced from its normal time slot by some crappy movie, some crappy reality show or some crappy sporting event. I even hated MLB when Fox started showing the world series because it coincided with the beginning of the (tv) season. I have a feeling that Fox did all the intentionally and maliciously, because they seemed to target only the shows I like.

Futurama got the axe, The Critic was cancelled, The Family Guy was also cancelled, then resigned (to be aired someday…) and when it became time for the Simpsons to die, they wouldn’t let it. Now, they’re dragging Arrested Development down too. It’s probably the best writing ever, and they’re denying the actors and writers the ability to grow and flourish. Ironically, it appears that its being crowded out by Family Guy, which Fox didn’t respect in the first place.

I realize this is something that is quite trivial. And since we can now buy the episodes of these great shows on DVD and not have to watch commercials, I’m starting to think that if Fox does kill Arrested Development, I may just have to give up on them. Finally. Like I should have done long ago.

Second Movement

Sometimes I wish we’d named our dog/child after a great composer. Why? So I could refer to his bowel movements as if they were musical masterpieces.

a: “did you witness Beethoven’s Second?”
b: “yes, it was a stirring second movement”

as of yet all I have to work with is deuce-deuce. Wha? Lets just say it’s his second second.

Utah’s claim to fame

utah and uranium
I’ve got an old puzzle map of the United States that has little pictures of the various natural resources of each state on them along with the state’s nickname. Most are pretty typical like Idaho and potato, Texas and oil, Virginia and tobacco. My favorite is Utah, which has a fireball looking picture that signifies uranium. Below the little picture is the proud claim “Used in Atom Bomb” which I guess dates the map pretty well.

It would be interesting to see how each state would present themselves now if they could choose something to label their state with. I can’t help but think of corporate sponsorships leading to a Starbucks or Windows logo on Washington. I hope we’d get a pint glass for Oregon.

Jury Duty

Congratulations: You’ve been selected to serve on a special session of the Circuit Court that is expected to last up to 6 weeks!

Let’s just hope I don’t sit next to the radical that made Libertarians blush. He didn’t get selected last time.

KRS-ONE in Portland

There are few artists that I feel I need to see, and rather am just glad for the opportunities to see live music when I can afford it. One of the artists I’ve felt I must see is/was KRS-ONE. Stage presence is something that comes naturally to few people. Beyond presence though is something even more rare – a person who can move a crowd with grace and ease. Someone who doesn’t even need to ask for more response by suggesting that “he can’t hear you.” Last night at Berbati’s Pan, KRS was in his element – a small club packed with people who knew his gift and couldn’t be happier to do whatever the emcee wanted.

KRS flows on stage
photo by Hilary Freed

KRS did songs from back before Boom-bap and up to Keep Right, and as seemingly dated as some of his songs may seem, they sounded perfect in the place, and perfect at the time. Its difficult to convey the fluidity to his movement even despite the heat (and sweat) and his way with the crowd. It was everything he claims in his songs and more. He should be our first emcee laureate.